wingshead-archive:

• “Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived. #unbreakable”
• “Can I help you move? I’m really good at it! Afterwards I can take the cardboard boxes and use it for breakdancing.”
• “I can’t use my GPS, but I figured it out. I just drove around in circles until I saw something familiar.”
• “Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!”
• “You look like Encyclopedia Brown.”
• “As your self-appointed emotional guardian, it is my duty to love and support you.”
• “The original title of this was: A Lively Fisting.”
• “I really like you, and I was wondering if you wanted to get a cup of coffee sometime.”
• “IF you had gone to Hogwarts Academy, which house do you think you’d be in?”
• “I really need this party to go well, which is why I’m stress eating gummy penises.”
• “Well, four years of work down the drain and I have a penis on my head.”
• “I hate doing work, but I love being flattered. So maybe I’ll give it another try.”
• “Please put your pants back on.”
• “ Love? Love fades away. But things … Things are forever.”
• “What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.”
• “We’re just friends. He’s like the gayest person I’ve ever met, but I make out with him when I’m drunk sometimes.”
• “Earlier, I was licking icing off of my finger and boom, I swallowed my wedding ring.”
• “One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine.”
• “Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy’s motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs.”
• “ I AM NOT CRYING, OK? I’M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!”
• “That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.”
• “ I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.”
• “I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.”
• “I’d like to say something. You are a wonderful person. Your friendship means a lot to me. And you look very beautiful.”
• “But think how much better our friendship would be if we added…doin’ it.”
• “I just opened a can of whoop ass on myself!”
• “Your/My nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable.”
• “Let’s cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let’s seal this devil’s threeway right here, right now.”
• “We should sue their parents for spawning a human turd burger.”
• “I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.”
• “Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.”
• “Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.”
• “I typed in your symptoms here and it says you might have… network connectivity problems.”
• “One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again.”
• “ I call noodles long-ass rice. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks…food rakes.”
• "I feel great. I ran 5K this morning. No, no I didn’t. I threw up in the shower.”
• “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.”
• “Catching the number 12 bus to Satan’s butthole?”
• “Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night if it meant nothing got done.”
• “One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do to! I just moved.”